| "I REPORT YOU DECIDE" |
The Homer Report
12/1/08
The Track of the Future
I am going to open a racetrack in Kentucky. I will name it "The Track of the Future". There will
be a set of guidelines that will be used to approve trainers and drivers. They are as follows:
Trainers
In the past 5 years a trainer must have had:
Drivers
A driver must have had at least 3 of the following offenses:
above all the bullshit and red tape associated with the horse business.
The Racetrack officials and staff will be as follows:
Get your applications in ASAP. Stalls are expected to fill quickly as space is limited.
I am going to open a racetrack in Kentucky. I will name it "The Track of the Future". There will
be a set of guidelines that will be used to approve trainers and drivers. They are as follows:
Trainers
In the past 5 years a trainer must have had:
- 1. At least 3 baking soda positives or scratches.
2. At least 1 EPO positive.
3. At least 1 more positive on anything from Morphine to Asprin.
Drivers
A driver must have had at least 3 of the following offenses:
- 1. Suspended at least once for a cocaine or marijuana positive.
2. Fined or suspended for failing the Breathalyzer test.
3. Fined or suspended for punching an official in the mouth.
4. Fined or suspended for slapping or fighting with another driver.
5. Suspended for fixing the outcome of a race - race fixing.
6. If you've served 4 or more years in prison, you're automatically approved.
above all the bullshit and red tape associated with the horse business.
The Racetrack officials and staff will be as follows:
- President - Joe the Plumber (Says "Testing is not needed. These guys say they won't use drugs.")
Judge - Boy Wonder (Will have a very sore mouth by the end of the meet)
Director of Operations - Nobody (Has been there for years, and wiill be there for everybody--if needed)
Ambulance Driver - Maniac Mac (Will be spinning his wheels a lot)
Stall Superintendent - Palms Up (Will have his hand out - a picture of Ben will help with your location)
Track Superintendent - Uncle Fester (Not studying for a drug test here - No drug testing allowed)
Security - Dial 911 (911 will be the only form of security - emergencies only please)
Starter - Edgar the Weatherman (Won't even be require to have a license)
Director of Negotiations - Inspector Klipso (will make sure no weapons are used in altercations)
Mutuals Manager - Dr. Phil Loney (With his experience and knowledge of money, who is more qualified)
- Breeders Association - banned
Horsemen's Association - banned
Racing Commission - banned
Equine Drug Council - banned
All Committee's - banned
No spit box (no drug testing) - banned
Get your applications in ASAP. Stalls are expected to fill quickly as space is limited.
| Calling Dick Tracy.......Calling... Dick Tracy A plumbing company was called to the Red Mile after a toilet in the restroom was clogged up and overflowing. After a long afternoon, the plumber discovered the problem... Something seems to have been FLUSHED down one of the toilets (in the vicinity OF the general office), and that something was 4 vials containing blood. "The 4 samples containing the blood were stuck deep in the drain - had been there for weeks. Now that they (the containers of blood) have been removed, the problem has been fixed," said the plumber. The track's top guy was overheard saying, "We don't know where the tubes of blood came from - maybe they floated back up from the sewer system. Nobody here would ever do something like get rid of it by flushing it down the toilet. They would rather not work here as to do that. |
| Congratulations to the KHHA. KyHarnessRacing.com would like to CONGRATULATE the KHHA for listening to us and updating their website. Now if we can just get them to listen and go get the horsemen's share of the money from ADW |
| Quote of the Month "Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours." - M. Berle - |